But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
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