i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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