i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
