I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
