i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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