Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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