Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
