i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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