no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
