OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
