I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
