took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
