It's Friday. Sex?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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