just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
