I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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