you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Say something about gay babies.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
