The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
