I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
