She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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