I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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