My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
