Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
