the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
