Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
His nipple licking is glorious
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