totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
