I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
