Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
