dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
