Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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