Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
