I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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