That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
