i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
