bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
