just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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