life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
