I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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