Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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