i jhust puked up my retainher.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
