FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
