there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
