wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
