just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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