he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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