he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
