I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
