Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
