Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
