I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
