hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
