My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
