If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
